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Oct. 2nd, 2011

no. I am ashamed of myself. that is the only document of my voice at that time. unfortunately, it was the worst time to get recorded.
i really don't want people to think that was my best when it really wasn't.

 

right now I want to curl up in a ball. but later I want to get back into singing. I want to practice with a teacher, in different genres and get back to high soprano.
I want to make a recording for mum, which both mum AND I are proud of.

 

no more regrets.

 

e that was a horrible feeling, I had a sudden urge to punch my mum.....on her birthday....

 

she played the songs I sangs in this recording studio when I was 17, she knows I hate listening to them. but she plays them after and during my  pleas of telling her to stop as she was showing my brother's girlfriend.
I hate listening to them because I can hear how nasly they sound, like as if you hold your nose as you talk.

 

mum showed them to my last singing teacher before uni years and my singing teacher didn't like them either.

 

its really upsetting because my mum doesn't care how I feel about them and will happily blast them for me to hear it. I can hear where I go off key, I can hear the 4 months of lack of practice.

 

even as she saw me get upset about them. she said she didn't care, and made it out that I was upset because of the mobile game I was playing.

 

I'm still very upset and don't want to talk to her. how can you talk to someone who won't listen in the first place, refusing to understand your feelings? and she wonders why I didn't tell her about the counselling .

 

I love mum, but right now, I am horrendously upset with her, on the verge of tears because she doesn't care about my thoughts and feelings about that recording. she is so biased and I am ashamed of those songs, because I know I can do better.

 

I have no problem hearing myself sing, but the one recording I'm proud of has dissapeared which was the one I got full marks on in A/S Level.
that was a horrible feeling, I had a sudden urge to punch my mum.....on her birthday....

 


she played the songs I sangs in this recording studio when I was 17, she knows I hate listening to them. but she plays them after and during my  pleas of telling her to stop as she was showing my brother's girlfriend.
I hate listening to them because I can hear how nasly they sound, like as if you hold your nose as you talk.

 

mum showed them to my last singing teacher before uni years and my singing teacher didn't like them either.

 

its really upsetting because my mum doesn't care how I feel about them and will happily blast them for me to hear it. I can hear where I go off key, I can hear the 4 months of lack of practice.

 

even as she saw me get upset about them. she said she didn't care, and made it out that I was upset because of the mobile game I was playing.

 

I'm still very upset and don't want to talk to her. how can you talk to someone who won't listen in the first place, refusing to understand your feelings? and she wonders why I didn't tell her about the counselling .

 

I love mum, but right now, I am horrendously upset with her, on the verge of tears because she doesn't care about my thoughts and feelings about that recording. she is so biased and I am ashamed of those songs, because I know I can do better.

 

I have no problem hearing myself sing, but the one recording I'm proud of has dissapeared which was the one I got full marks on in A/S Level. my music teacher.

 


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am in the south at the moment to spend time with mum for her birthday. unfortunately she is really down. there's not much I can do to cheer her up either.
its her partner. he won't let her do anything and she feels stuck and has given up trying to get out.
I really hate Simon. I've grown up with him and I have seen hardly any good things about him.
he gets drunk and abuses my mum, not physically anymore but mentally.
I've advised her to talk to someone professionally, just like I did. whether she'll take my advice or not is up to her.

 

otherwise things are getting better, showed my course leader my unfinished PowerPoint, she was surprised I even made one, and really found my project interesting, just need to research more into some of the designers I've chosen.

 

thierry mugler
vivienne westward
jean Paul gaultier
gareth pugh

 

Salvador dali
Luis royo
h.r. gigar

 

I'm very excited about my project unfolding now!

 

from monday onwards, I won't be a student for a while. which kinda sucks at the same time as I won't be allowed to sit with the now 2nd year students. I'm going to see about poking one of them to keep me up to date though.

 

computer has arrived thank you gitofaber and Pete! just need a monitor and a keyboard now :)
(oh! btw, that bank you mentioned IS in huddersfield)

 

house searching is expensive.... told my landlady that I was thinking of moving out and she really wasn't happy, not surprising seeing as there have been many students looking for housing and I signed my contract for up to July.... sigh..... I just need space where its close to uni....  I don't want to houseshare or live with anyone, I just need space.
found a really nice one which was a house but it was £450pcm. no bills inc. bit steep as i don't have a job...

 

would the council be able to help actually?

 

speaking of which, I applied for work experience in holmfirth at a fabric shop, they've asked me to come in for an interview next week! Wooo!

 

going to do my best to cheer mum up this weekend.

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I've made a call today, and suspended my course until beginning of January.

 

Hopefully this will help me sort out my life around me without it affecting my academic life.

 

I always knew it would be difficult, I guess I didn't take into account of how difficult it would be.

 

I want an honours for this course, and have therefore decided to not let anything get in my way.
I have to let friends down around me, so I can't meet up with them all the time. I can't go out to get drunk all the time.

 

I need to stop feeling guilty for other people.

 

I also need to make use of that library again. 24hrs use.

 

I will be following the now 2nd years to see them work and make portfolios. catch up on the thing I missed last time.

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Things are slowly getting better. On  Thursday, I went for the student welfare support, in other words the lighter version to counselling. it really helped me a lot, I think I need one more session with her and I think I will be a lot more controlled and relaxed about things.

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I'm sat in Chad's Bar, a gay bar,    with a drink and notebook on the table.

 

I need to get away from the house so let's see if this works.
The drink is my payment and excuse for being and staying here, notebook - my reflective journal to update and keep up with work, if this works, I will venture coffee shops during the day and a quiet bar during the night.

 

I have been looking for a studio apartment/flat this morning using my phone and yea...everything is taken now or expensive. I'm not giving up though

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I apologized to him.......

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Jog on :-)

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Sep. 20th, 2011

That conversation was emotionally draining.

 

I'm sorry but I was right. you were wrong.

 


There's a difference between a slap and a hit.

 

Also yes I do disagree with violent behaviour, HOWEVER depending on why the violent act was given changes the morality of the situation.

 

blah blah blah

 

you need to wake up, and stop being such a stupid argumentative drunk. you have a problem. that problem is alcohol. if you don't reduce the amount you drink, you will lose many friends.

 

stop it.

 

your stronger than this . get out of the habit.

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I am not going to lie.

...my nagging thought is that I still care, very deeply.

i help those that I know I can do good with, and help them as much as I can. I don't want to give up.

the problem is that I am tired, drained and unsure of myself.


maybe its that time of year, where you just want to huddle up in a ball and shut the rest of the world out?

I've been in huddersfield for over a year now, its weird to realise that.
this time last year I wandering around the university and town, fascinated by how huge it was and how awesome the university looked. I was also living in ashenhurst, getting aquainted with the students that had moved in. visiting the nighlife of huddersfield.

now, I'm living in a different place again, with an MA student, him and I get along fine. I also have a spare bedroom which I have splurged all my stuff into.

I'm working with an acting agency now to get to know people, contact details and such.

which reminds me, going to the agency tomorrow as part of an emergency casting and have an audition on Friday :). The more people I meet, the better it will be for future.

I'm thinking about what I need to do after my masters too. I want to go to 'Angel' costumiers and apply for an internship in design and making costume . Thus strengthening the likeliness of work, in the design industry.
this may mean that I will need to move to England for a while, finding minimal work during my intern.

at the moment I have applied for work experience with the job centre at a fabric shop in holmfirth, the land of 'last of the summer wine'. hopefully this will go well.

I messed up in my last job interview trying to sew a zip into jeans. I questioned why I was even bothering studying costume at MA level. determined not to let this get me down, I went back to the uni and researched different ways of putting in a zip on jeans. the next day I had a go and it worked .

I'm currently going to the park on Sundays playing American football with friends and actually enjoy it, my body really hates me the next day though.
The Sunday just gone, I couldn't move my hips very well, as I landed on my right knee a couple of times. I had trouble laughing and sneezing, as I fell on my front and winded myself. It was funny though, to realise how much my body hated me. But, no pain, no gain.
I didn't want to give up, I don't want to be the weak one.
I still play, and think I might join the university's team, maybe.

my time as a student lasts for 28 months, I've been here for 12. The clock is ticking for me.

from now until possibly December, I am using digital design as a way to open up new doors in the way of costume design. if I am successful, then I can continue with this practice, and even design multiple clothing and possibly character design in computer games and animations. this is a possibility.
I am testing my practice with clo3d, a pattern making program,  and mudbox, a 3d sculpting program, whilst at the same time, becoming a guinea pig for another MA student to see if you can use mudbox as a way to come up with ideas without drawing on paper. this is hard for me, as I do prefer to draw.

I have lost a lot of time now due to procrastination after my visits to Wales, but I have been continuing to update a journal of my thoughts. well, the journal consists of three different books, book1- main written journal, book2 - doodle book, notes and a book to stick bits and bobs in, and finally, book3 - my dream book.

my project is currently PAPRIKA for film, basing along the lines of using Freud, h.r gigar, sexual fetish, thierry mugler, nina ricci, john Paul gaurierre, and now c.g Jung as part of the ideas pool.
 
also.....I need to expand my usage of my mobile internet.... been three days and my usage is already 71.2%

oh! and I've decided to go for ryoko as part of the next cosplay convention in London, just can't decide on which outfit....

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I think I'm falling in love...... but I don't have time for this !

neither am I allowed to be like this. I'm cutting it off, before I get too involved ! this just isn't like me, or is it?

do I so easily fall in love with anything ?

why is it so bad at the same time?
its only an emotion. its only a feeling. its not like ill do anything.
besides, I doubt they even know or want to know.
is it an excuse? am I just lonely?

human behaviour is so trivial.

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this morning I was pissed off and annoyed with my oldest best friend and matt


now... I'm really depressed and upset and I don't know why. its not because of this morning.

maybe I shouldn't have made those phonecalls today...

human emotion is so annoying!!

my heart aches again.... I don't know what to do with myself....

this is PATHETIC ! make it stop!

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